Focus on the Children and Not the Fight

I had an opportunity to review the article "Keeping parental ties strong after the divorce" Chicago Tribune (February 22, 2011), and while I agree with much that is said, there is so much more to add. 

The article states to "focus on the children, not the fight;" nothing could be closer to the truth.  I often see good people go bad when they get wrapped up in what each other is doing or not doing right. I often stress to clients to be true to yourself, your children, and your own parenting style.  Don't say no to another parent's request (say for a special day with the children) because that parent denied you the same.  When the children come home with school picture order forms, or report cards, make a copy for the other parent, regardless of whether or not they do this for you.  You have to be the adult, you must take the high road and quite frankly, frequently this is very very difficult.  Yet, in the long run, it will benefit your children.

Remain a part of your children's lives. 
I would add, if you relegated child centered responsibilities to the other parent during your relationship because they were home with the children, or available during the day, you need to change your thinking.  You are now a single parent.  When the children are ill, YOU will stay home with them.  When they need medical care, or even childhood immunizations/check-ups, YOU will take them to the doctor.  YOU will attend parent teacher conferences, etc...  If you want to be an integral part of your children's lives, you need to act like it.  It is difficult and costly to take time off work, especially when the other parent is available.  But, as a newly single parent, you are now responsible for the children and their needs during your custodial time.   If you relegate those responsibilities to the other parent, you will find yourself parenting your children part-time; rarely a desired result. 

Don't bad-mouth the other parent.
I love this.  If the other parent is acting poorly, you don't need to tell your children.  Kids aren't stupid and a parent's misbehavior will not go unnoticed by your children. Again, it is important to take the high-road.  It is always tempting to want to defend yourself when the children bring a comment the other parent made about you to your attention.  Again, don't bite.  You will just be dropping yourself to their level.  If the other parent's behavior is so egregious that you are unsure how to respond to the children's comments and questions, do your children and yourself a favor and speak to a counselor who specializes in children and find out what you can do to ease their discomfort and learn ways to deal with the other parent's negativity in a healthy manner.  I remember a case where the mother was constantly causing problems for the father, simply out of spite.  The father later told me the child asked him, "Why is mommy so mean?"  Kids miss little.

For more information regarding California Family Law contact Stone Law Group at (559) 226-1910.